Here is a page I found that includes some videos about The Five Essential E's in Raising Responsible Children. Experience, Example, Empathy, Encouragement, and Expectations. Check it out for some awesome tricks of the trade!
Here is another page with some Free tips, it is a summary of the Book Parenting With Love and Logic but gets you alot of the info for FREE!
Are you a Home School Mom? This is the link for you!!!
Are you interested in being a Love and Logic Parenting Coach? Click the link to be on your way!
Visit http://www.loveandlogic.com/ to sign up for FREE weekly tips! I did, and I couldn't be happier about it!
HAVE A PERFECTLY IMPERFECT CHRISTMAS
What was your best Christmas as a kid? Was it the one where there was a lot of stress about a perfect meal elegantly served-on time-to a perfectly dressed family? Or was it the one where the dog pulled the turkey off the stove and dragged it away through the dog door? There was no perfect meal that day. Everyone rolled with the punches. They rolled up their sleeves and worked together in the kitchen to salvage a makeshift meal.
The beauty of that memory is not in perfection and organization, but in remembering the joy of being together and doing things together. It was the laughter. It was one of those days when the choices were to laugh or to cry, so you all laughed it off and enjoyed one another. It brought you all together in a different way.
Holidays are times for enjoying one another. We are not suggesting that you purposely feed the turkey to the pets, but we strongly suggest that an imperfect day with little stress will create better memories of loving relationships.-Jim Fay
WHEN KIDS OF A DIVORCE SAY, "DAD LET'S ME."
Fortunately, kids who go back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's can grow into healthy adults…if their divorced parents can avoid getting sucked into the trap of trying to control what they can't.
Far too often divorced parents waste tremendous amounts of energy…and create unnecessary tension…by trying to control the "ex."
Since kids are designed to test the security of limits, they often feed right into this trap by saying things like, "Dad lets me."
Smart parents know that kids are capable of adjusting to different styles of parenting, and that children will eventually…as adults…come to respect the parent who is the healthiest.
When their child says something like, "Mom gives me candy before dinner," these wise parents don't call their ex and accuse. They don't complain about their ex in front of the child. They don't get angry. They just smile and answer, "You noticed that your parents are different. I allow desert after dinner."-Dr. Charles Fay
LOVE AND LOGIC SCHOOL CULTURE
"Tania, I've got to tell you how shocked I was the other day when the teacher at Brett's new school called me." Deanne was on the phone with her friend.
Deanne explained that with her move, Brett changed schools, and she was ready for a lot of calls from teachers. He had many problems at the last school and she was just dreading the calls from his new teachers.
Deanne's husband left the family and it seems to have brought out many bad behaviors on Brett's part. His teachers just kept calling with bad reports and requests that Deanne do something. "I've had to miss so many days of work that I'm worried about losing my job," Deanne mused.
"Tania, can you believe that his new teacher called and told me that Brett was having a problem but she didn't want it to become a problem for me? Her concern for me was so refreshing that I immediately knew that Brett was in good hands."
"We worked out a plan and after that I told his teacher how much I appreciated her approach. She told me that it was all part of what they had learned when their principal helped the staff develop a Love and Logic School Culture."
"Brett's teacher told me that since they had developed the new school culture she no longer dreaded making calls requesting parent help. I was surprised when she said that teachers are just as uncomfortable with these calls as the parents are to receive them."
In this story, Brett's teacher used a simple, yet effective statement: "We have a problem and I don't want it to become a problem for you."
A parent's version of this would be, "Let me tell you what I've been hearing and I don't want it to become a problem for you." Or, "Here’s what I've been hearing, and I'd like to get your thoughts on that."
I hope this gets you off to a good start the next time you need to make that call.-Jim Fay
WHEN KIDS GET DEFIANT
"I'm not doing that! You can't make me!"
Have you ever heard this from a student…or your child at home?
Success in this situation rests entirely on resisting the urge to rely on power and coercion to force kids to do what we want. Listed below are some tips:
- Sidestep the power-struggle by delaying the consequence. It's okay to let children think they've gotten away with something in the short-term…if that'll buy you time to handle it well in the long-term.
- Calmly say, "No problem. I love you (or respect you) too much to fight with you about this. I'll take care of it."
- Put together a workable plan. Get some help from other adults if you need their ideas or support.
- Allow empathy and logical consequences to do the teaching.
One mother commented:
My teenager refused to do the simple housework chores I asked her to do. Instead of fighting with her, I simply told her that I loved her too much to fight with her and that I would take care of them. I hired a professional housekeeping service to do it for her. Then I taped the bill to her bedroom door. She refused to pay the bill, so I had another chance to say, "I love you too much to fight with you about this. I'll take care of it." Later that week I calmly said to her, "This is so sad. Do you remember that new outfit you wanted? I had to use that money to pay the housekeeping service."
This mother understood that sometimes we have to allow kids to be upset in the short-term…so they can learn to lead happy and responsible lives in the long-term.-Dr. Charles Fay
As Mom walked out of the teacher's room after a long discussion about Jake's lack of motivation and failure to do homework, she told Jake to put on his coat.
"I don’t have to. It's not cold," he snapped.
"I mean it, young man. You listen to me!"
"Oh, all right, I'll do it, but you're a retard!"
"Don’t you talk to me like that. You show a little respect, young man!"
Turning to the teacher, Mom asked, "What do I do with this kid?"
A wise observer would probably think, "Homework is the least of this family's problems. Here is a mother and child who appear to have very little respect for each other. That problem needs to be cured before anything else."
Jake's teacher empathized with Mom and told her about having some of the same problems before learning about Love and Logic. She told her how she was tempted to try to solve all the problems immediately but started to make progress when she tried to use only one skill at a time.
She told Mom how she started dealing with back talk by refusing to react. Every time her son said something nasty she simply said, "Bad decision. I'll have to do something about that after I cool down." That was her mantra.
After cooling down she waited for him to ask for something. When he did, she delivered her other mantra, "I'm happy to do the things you want when I feel respected," and he didn't get what he wanted. He hated the fact that she always said the same thing.
The teacher went on to say that for a while, those were the only changes she made with her parenting. But it got her off to a great start and life changed for the better.
Learn more about these techniques on the audio CD, "Oh, Great! What Do I Do Now?" Listen to the story about Little Johnnie several times and become an expert at dealing with nasty kids.-Jim Fay
WHEN KIDS ARGUE WITH EACH OTHER
It came from the backseat. It crept up while we were on the phone. It wasn't a monster, but something much more menacing - kids arguing.
Have you noticed that kids pick the worst times to start bickering? Few things can be as annoying or draining for parents. What options do we have when kids argue with each other? How about:
- Whether we are physically present to hear it or not?
- How much we charge to listen to it?
- How we react?
- What we model?
What statements can we make in these situations to help keep the problem of arguing on the kids' shoulders where that problem belongs?
Some parents try this one:
"It sounds like you guys are having a problem - and it will be interesting to see how you solve it."
And if they don't solve it?
Parents can solve the problem - perhaps by "charging" the kids something to put back the energy it took to listen to that fighting. Some parents charge $1 per minute to listen to arguing in the car (or other situations in which the parent can't "escape"). Other parents charge by offering some of their own chores for the children to accomplish to put back the drained energy.
Many parents using Love and Logic techniques have success empowering their kids to solve problems and resolve conflicts (on their own) rather than reacting with anger and frustration in the moment. And when the kids don't resolve things wisely, it costs them something.-Jedd Hafer
HELPING UNMOTIVATED KIDS
Helping unmotivated kids is one of the most complex challenges we face as educators and parents. Therefore, giving a quick and easy solution in less than 300 words would be impossible…and downright irresponsible.
In approximately 99% of cases, the child's lack of motivation results from far more than simple laziness or a conscious desire to act out. The roots of apathy go far deeper, into feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, lack of control, or loss. The majority of these feelings lay at the subconscious level, where they wreak havoc on a child's ability to engage in higher-level thinking tasks, such as sustained attention to detail, problem-solving, memory, perseverance, and self-control.
This is why punishing children for getting bad grades usually backfires. Since they are already feeling bad about life, how is making them feel worse about it going to get them motivated to succeed?
In my new book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a variety of alternative strategies for getting at the roots of apathy…rather than making it worse with anger, lectures, threats and punishments. At the core of what we teach is the importance of loving kids for who they are…rather than who we want them to be. Yes! The healing process begins when we end the power struggle by saying, "We will love you no matter how well or poorly you do in school. Your grades are your grades…not ours. That's why we are no longer going to fight with you about them. Just let us know how we can help."-Dr. Charles Fay
WHEN SAYING, "JUST TRY IT, IT'S EASY" ISN'T A GOOD IDEA
Has someone ever said to you, "Just try it, it's easy!" and then you found-out the task they coaxed you into trying was painfully difficult? Did this leave you feeling exceptionally capable or downright stupid…and embarrassed?
When this happens to the average adult, it doesn't take long for them to conclude two things:
- This person who's trying to help me is nuts…and definitely not to be trusted!
- Why should I try if I can't even handle the easy stuff?
Quite frequently I overhear well-meaning parents and educators using the "Just try it, it's easy!" approach in an attempt to urge a reluctant child into trying something they're afraid of. When the child finds the task easy, all is right with the world. When they don't, they're confronted with the pain of seeing that they might be so slow that they can't even do something really, really "easy"!
How often does this need to happen before our kids lose faith in our word? How often does this have to happen before our children lose faith in their own abilities? Are you willing to take this sort of risk with your kids?
In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a far safer approach. Experiment with asking your child:
A lot of kids find this kind of challenging. Would you try this and let me know what you think?
If you hear, "It's too hard. I can't do it," smile, pat them on the back and ask:
Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?
"Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?" represents an exceptionally powerful way of communicating to your children that they have what it takes to succeed. Delivered in question format its effectiveness becomes supercharged. Remember: Questions create thinking. Statements create resistance.
You may also experiment with asking another question:
And…aren't you glad that I'm going to love you the same even if you have to work really hard to figure this out?-Dr. Charles Fay
Tips for Win-Win Parent Teacher Conferences
One of the toughest challenges faced by today's teachers involves working with Helicopter Parents. While they do it out of great love, these parents cripple their children by hovering over them and rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. Unwittingly, they also sabotage their children's learning by criticizing teachers for expecting too much out of their kids.
We've seen countless Helicopter Parents transformed by skillful, patient teachers. In his CD set Putting Parents at Ease, Jim Fay…my dad…teaches a variety of tips for building relationships with such parents so that everybody wins. Listed below is a sampling of these tips:
- Remember that parents who look angry and resistant are usually hurting inside.
- When we remember this, it becomes much easier to avoid becoming defensive or angry ourselves.
- The most powerful skill involves listening and allowing parents to vent about their frustrations…before sharing our ideas.
- "Tell me more." "What would you like to see here?" or "How long have you felt this way?" are great responses to show parents how much you care…and to get them talking.
- Share your ideas only after making sure that the parent is ready. Asking, "Would you like to hear my thoughts on this?" is a good way of showing respect and testing to see if they are ready to listen.
NOTE: These ideas also work great with angry spouses!
-Dr Charles Fay
Different Parenting Styles
Different Parenting Styles
I know of two dads with different approaches to bringing up their kids. One dad has already bailed his boy out of jail twice for being in the wrong place with the wrong kids, doing the wrong things. He has lectured his boy on the problems he has created and what’s going to happen if he doesn’t straighten out.The other dad had a discussion early in his son's life, "You know, pal. My grandpa had a rule about never getting a lawyer and bailing his kids out of jail. My dad had the same rule. It's become a tradition in our family. I think I'm going to have the same rule so that we can maintain that tradition. So if ever you find yourself in jail, don't take it personally if you don't get bailed out. It's the family tradition."Which parent gave his son a special gift of love by meeting the child's need to think about consequences?Which parent met his own need to feel in control?Which parent is in for increasing problems with his youngster?Which father has the best kid in the long term?We all know the answer.Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. -Jim Fay
*DISCLAIMER I am in no way affiliated with Love and Logic, I am merely a parent that has been blessed with learning about it, and want to share the great info with fellow parents looking to raise responsible children!